I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
You Might Also Like
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
When I said I liked it rough.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…