If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
You Might Also Like
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
My neck my back my allergy attack
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
she has a point
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.