Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
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i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.