“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
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my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Watson was Holmes schooled
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.