Google Pay be like:
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Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
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Morningbreath
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mechanics be like
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
fourth time’s the charm
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.