@kimtopher22

“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.

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@jenlaw_11

Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!

@PlainTravis

I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.

@TheCatWhisprer

Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.

@pixelatedboat

My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist

@mantej

In an alternate universe somewhere, all the ducks are making white girl faces.

@UncleDuke1969

A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.

“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”

@mattgallo123

This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.

@mattZillaaaa

You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins

@JimmerThatisAll

A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.

That.

@robfee

Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza