“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
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My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?