“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.

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Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!


I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.


Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.


My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist


In an alternate universe somewhere, all the ducks are making white girl faces.


A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.



This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.


You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins


A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.



Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza