“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
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*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
This is a true ally.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.