I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
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[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.