me: wait why is the T silent
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
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date: “i think you watch too much Homeland”
me: [in the next booth facing the other way] “keep your voice down”
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.
Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
me: would you like beans?
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors