I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.

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[tsunami approaching]

guy: RUN

me: wait why is the T silent


date: “i think you watch too much Homeland”
me: [in the next booth facing the other way] “keep your voice down”


[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”


[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.

Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.

Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.

Her: While you’re just laying there?


Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.


HIM: I wanna do bad things with you

ME: Like punching old ladies?

HIM: Uh, no…

ME: Stealing from the donation jar?

HIM: God, no! I mean like-

ME: Stroller tipping?

HIM: You know, never mind.

ME: Taking up two parking spaces?

HIM: Goodbye

ME: Putting habanero juice in-


heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”


Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.


me: would you like beans?

3: no

me, trying to instill manners: no…what?

3: no beans