I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.

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Most meth cooks start by clicking on an ad to make $500-$800 a day working from home.


What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!


If the Discovery Channel’s new show ‘Naked And Afraid’ isn’t about Mormon honeymoons, I’m not interested.


You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.


Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.

Her: Not at all!

Me: Great!

*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*


Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”


Saw a couple wearing surgical masks in public and all I could think was “what do they know that I don’t?”


Me: *Don’t be weird, don’t be weird, don’t be weird, don’t be we..
Him: Hi
Me: OMG YES of COURSE pygmies are little people!!!


WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*