@ThePocketJustin

I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.

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@Sarcasmo718

Most meth cooks start by clicking on an ad to make $500-$800 a day working from home.

@meganamram

What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!

@JennyJohnsonHi5

If the Discovery Channel’s new show ‘Naked And Afraid’ isn’t about Mormon honeymoons, I’m not interested.

@Darlainky

You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.

@OnlyFastEddie

Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.

Her: Not at all!

Me: Great!

*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*

@SCbchbum

Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”

@Sassafrantz

Saw a couple wearing surgical masks in public and all I could think was “what do they know that I don’t?”

@ShellHasDragons

Me: *Don’t be weird, don’t be weird, don’t be weird, don’t be we..
Him: Hi
Me: OMG YES of COURSE pygmies are little people!!!

@truegritrumble

WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*