Hot singles in your area want you to come over and load their dishwasher correctly.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
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Q: Name your favorite foreign leader.
GARY JOHNSON: Nice trick question, Chris- they all already HAVE names!
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
Because water should be crunchy.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
god: why should i let u into heaven
me: for starters i didn’t invent heroin
me: i also didn’t invent wars, racism, poverty, cance-
god: ok i get it
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.