I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
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[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
mmm onion ringos
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*