@weenbeans

I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.

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@Jagershot901

Hot singles in your area want you to come over and load their dishwasher correctly.

@mrbenwexler

Q: Name your favorite foreign leader.

GARY JOHNSON: Nice trick question, Chris- they all already HAVE names!

@LeBearGirdle

Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!

Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope

@aka_fatman

Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.

Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.

Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.

@gurl_sour

I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.

@Ideal_Victoria

I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…

I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.

@dorsalstream

When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”

@randypaint

god: why should i let u into heaven

me: for starters i didn’t invent heroin

god: what

me: i also didn’t invent wars, racism, poverty, cance-

god: ok i get it

me: mosquitoes

@robfee

Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.