Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
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Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop