@causticbob

Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”

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@eminmien

“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.

“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”

@AndrewChamings

[shark tank]
me: ridiculously wide sunglasses
shark 1: i’m out
shark 2: i’m out
hammerhead shark: i’m listening

@shutupmikeginn

While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section

@bromanconsul

I ruin friend groups by always suggesting we start a band too early

@Playing_Dad

Me: We don’t have any more Girl Scout cookies and now I’m sad.
Wife: I get sad, too. Like when I think about being married to a 40yo baby

@Parker_Simpson

On toilet in a stall playin TigerWoods on phone.eagled a par5.Crowd cheered.Pretty sure guy in the next stall thought I just took epic dump

@ValeeGrrl

7yo: MOMMA DO YOU THINK YOU’LL EVER GET A 6-PACK OR ARE YOU JUST GONNA BE FAT

Me: *slowly shreds Pokémon cards w/out breaking eye contact*

@Storminika

I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”