@drankturpentine

ILLUMINATI: *drinks chicken noodle soup and gets a good night’s rest*
WELLUMINATI: I’m feeling much better

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@JustinGuarini

Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?

@NoTheOtherJohn

[gives date the “just one sec” sign as I answer my phone] Hello? Oh hi The Pope [I do the hand talking thing to suggest how chatty he is]

@KeetPotato

[jim henson reveals kermit the frog for 1st time]
me:
jim:
me:
jim:
me:
jim: “what do you think?”
me: “i mean have you ever seen a frog?”

@UncleDuke1969

Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…

Cut off from the world.

Stephen King & Pixar present:

“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”

@chuuew

ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]

@KeetPotato

[my first day as hand dryer salesman]
“this robot dries your hands with noise”

@TinaMav

We are the people our parents warned us about.

@TheToddWilliams

[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it

[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?

@HavocMantis

The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png