I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
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[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
I’m not proud
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.