I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
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My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You