@LuvPug

I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron

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@Mr_Kapowski

[press session regarding increase in shark bites]

Reporter: Are there more attacks in one area?
Scientist: [lips against mic] In the water

@graceupongracie

Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.

Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me

@DaddyJew

relationships are fun if you like being yelled at for facing the wrong direction while you sleep

@DailyAdviser

I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards

@mrtruthandsoul

How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?

@mynameisntdave

If you want your dog to take a pill:

1. Get a piece of cheese

2. Eat the cheese for energy

3. Get ready to wrestle your dog

@Ygrene

“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth

@SortaBad

Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?

Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation

@IntrepidDeviant

So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.

@UnFitz

[blind date]

Me: So what do you do?

Her: I’m a customer service representative.

Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.