I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
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Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.