When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
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Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.