@2tickytacky
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
@uhhhhhoksure
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
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@2tickytacky
@TheTweetOfGod
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
@ObiWanPunobi
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
@BlairLoudly
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
@WoodyLuvsCoffee
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
@TheHyyyype
mom: *holding up baggie she found in my room* what the hell is this?
me: uhh that’s called marijuana
mom: i know what it is, i mean why do you have it
me: to get high, jesus christ mom you said you knew what it was
@davidkenny100
It’s impossible to be a parent and stay on twitter so I’m afraid it’s time to say goodbye.
So this is your uncle, you live with him now.
@Quartzjixler
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
@jegheterbella
More tattoo artists really just need to say “No, I’m not doing that.”
@underrateDad
Wrong hole, except its just me watching my 3 yr old try to squeeze his head through the sleeve of his t-shirt…