@uhhhhhoksure

I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.

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@2tickytacky

NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.

@TheTweetOfGod

Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.

@ObiWanPunobi

I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce

@BlairLoudly

One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby

@TheHyyyype

mom: *holding up baggie she found in my room* what the hell is this?

me: uhh that’s called marijuana

mom: i know what it is, i mean why do you have it

me: to get high, jesus christ mom you said you knew what it was

@davidkenny100

It’s impossible to be a parent and stay on twitter so I’m afraid it’s time to say goodbye.

So this is your uncle, you live with him now.

@Quartzjixler

I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.

@jegheterbella

More tattoo artists really just need to say “No, I’m not doing that.”

@underrateDad

Wrong hole, except its just me watching my 3 yr old try to squeeze his head through the sleeve of his t-shirt…