I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
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Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors