I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
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I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines