I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
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Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”