I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
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imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
Tier 3 meme
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?