I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
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Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
Chicken bread
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*