@Mom_Overboard

I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.

At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.

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@Smug_Lemur

Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.

@FSUSteve

Just because a guy wants to see you naked it doesn’t mean anything, I know a guy who drove 2 days to see a donkey show.

@drinksmcgee

Dog: I saw everything, Barbara. Everything!
Barbara: What are you going to do? Take me to court?
Dog:

@tracietom

I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”

Peaches is our dog.

@delusions_of

I’m like a Rubik’s Cube. Seems fun at first but eventually you’ll want to rip me apart.

@Arroia

I have failed math eleventeen times or so.

@007Rex_Inc

I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.

@TweetPotato314

just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch

@Jay16282

The self-checkout line was invented by a guy who was sent to the store to buy tampons.

@jonnysun

teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker