I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
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[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
this is 10/10 content no notes
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…