I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
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I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution