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“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
The biggest mystery of our time
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.