Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
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science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
There’s no “u” in narcissist
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.