I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
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Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.