Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
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I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]