@Staaltje68

I’m 50 but feel like 30. Until I hang out with 30 year olds.
Then I am like, nope nevermind, I’m 50.

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@mydmac

Him: I won’t bore you with the details.

Me: Too late for that.

@juliussharpe

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and ten million dollars.

@yonewt

my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’

@charliedelta7

Hot girls on Twitter:
Single and straight: 3%
Lesbians: 12%
Taken and straight: 15%
Men: 70%

@deardilettante

I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.

@paulrobalino

Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae

@TinaMav

I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.

@ArfMeasures

Interviewer: Biggest weakness?

Me: The delusions

Interviewer: Like what?

Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed

Bus driver: where are your pants?

@Social_Mime

Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.