Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
I’m 50 but feel like 30. Until I hang out with 30 year olds.
Then I am like, nope nevermind, I’m 50.
You Might Also Like
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and ten million dollars.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Hot girls on Twitter:
Single and straight: 3%
Taken and straight: 15%
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
This kid will have a bright future.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.