@Staaltje68

I’m 50 but feel like 30. Until I hang out with 30 year olds.
Then I am like, nope nevermind, I’m 50.

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@sir_shithead_I

*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.

@AaronLinguini

*demon tries to inhabit my body*
Demon: OUCH
Me: yeah…
Demon: WHAT THE HELL
Me: I know
Demon: EVERYTHING HURTS, WHY?? AND WHATS WRONG WITH THIS SHOULDER???
Me: idk man, can I offer you a mint?

@GashleyMadison

“For a really awkward time, call me.”

-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.

@Elizasoul80

I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.

@Gupton68

The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

@slyoung5

Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.

@InternetHippo

What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea

@ohwrigley

Mommy? Does Barbie come with Ken? No dear, she comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken.

@abhorrent_wife

All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.