Chicken Parmesan is just regular Parmesan that’s too afraid to ask her if she wants to dance
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
You Might Also Like
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Google won’t replace librarians. The internet is like giving someone a fire hose when all they asked for was a glass of water.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Jesus: Those were the times when I carried you son
Me: And when the vending machine ate my dollar?
Jesus: That time you bought me a Snickers