bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
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“Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain streaking”
[pilot darts out of the cockpit completely naked]
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
do you think my parents divorced because I’m too handsome like they said
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.