I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
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“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking