I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible

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Chicken Parmesan is just regular Parmesan that’s too afraid to ask her if she wants to dance


wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote


So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?


[Sahara desert]

Me: *shares canteen*

Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*

Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.


Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.


Google won’t replace librarians. The internet is like giving someone a fire hose when all they asked for was a glass of water.


What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?

– inventor of the roller coaster


Jesus: Those were the times when I carried you son
Me: And when the vending machine ate my dollar?
Jesus: That time you bought me a Snickers