I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible

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Just woke up from a dream where I didn’t know how to use shampoo, I was just standing in the shower staring at it all confused.

Just like when I think about 2020.


My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.


If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.


If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.


Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.

*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*


I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.


I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.


“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.


I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.