@shopkins776

I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible

You Might Also Like

@8bitbulbasaur

bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road

guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!

bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road

@ScorpionDong

“Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain streaking”

[pilot darts out of the cockpit completely naked]

@sweetg35

Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.

@vanderheydensax

[Name origins]

Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.

Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.

Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.

@MattMcC1

in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.

@Karate_Horse

do you think my parents divorced because I’m too handsome like they said

@CulturedRuffian

ODE TO TWITTER

🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶

@ericsshadow

[anniversary dinner]

HER: tell me something that will make my heart race

ME: my credit card got declined

@nicfit75

They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.