@DaddyJew
Chicken Parmesan is just regular Parmesan thatβs too afraid to ask her if she wants to dance
@shopkins776
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
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@DaddyJew
@iwearaonesie
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
@carlyken
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
@DurtMcHurtt
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
@michaeljhudson
@Marlebean
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
@librarianfonz
Google won’t replace librarians. The internet is like giving someone a fire hose when all they asked for was a glass of water.
@Staggfilms
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
@UncleDuke1969
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
@animaldrumss
Jesus: Those were the times when I carried you son
Me: And when the vending machine ate my dollar?
Jesus: That time you bought me a Snickers