@8bitbulbasaur
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
@shopkins776
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
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@8bitbulbasaur
@ScorpionDong
“Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain streaking”
[pilot darts out of the cockpit completely naked]
@sweetg35
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
@vanderheydensax
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
@MattMcC1
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
@Karate_Horse
do you think my parents divorced because I’m too handsome like they said
@woodmuffin
@CulturedRuffian
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
@ericsshadow
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
@nicfit75
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.