@shopkins776

I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible

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@skedaddle74

Just woke up from a dream where I didn’t know how to use shampoo, I was just standing in the shower staring at it all confused.

Just like when I think about 2020.

@patnelke

My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.

@HatfieldAnne

If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.

@juskewitch

If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.

@ThisOneSayz

Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.

*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*

@BGH70

I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.

@RVGisFUNNY

I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.

@GingerGander

“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.

@envydatropic

I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.