Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
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i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…