@eliserose5

I’m 5’3. I may be short but I have a HUGE personality….disorder.

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@samalmightysam

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@bobvulfov

[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis

@TheReal_AndyMac

Thanks to Hurricane Sandy, my Facebook feed changed everybody from political analysts to weather people.

@ThisOneSayz

Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?

Me: Be invisible.

Kid: To fight bad guys, right?

Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.

@titletown__

I dated a woman once.

Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.

@InigoUnleashed

Making a frisbee out of bread. Let’s see how those bloody pigeons deal with that!

@sofarrsogud

4 AM

BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there

@T_N_Crumpets

Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up