I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
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Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
We like the way Dwight thinks
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
forgive me baja for i have blast
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks