I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.

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If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.


When in doubt…

1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.


My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.


just because i loved you at one point does not mean i will always love you… I am not Whitney Houston


you remember me as the guy who put his arm in the doorway to hold open the automatic door for you in 2009. welll, now i need a favor


Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?

Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.

Emperor: That sounds plausible.


Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.


We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.



Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe

Thief: well?

Me: omg…

[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]