Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
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I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
Me: Pull my finger.
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
*on a date about to propose*
Date: Oh I saw the funniest jif the other day…
Me: *sliding ring back into pocket*
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills