I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
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<—- homeless romantic
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?