I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
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If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.