If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
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[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
I want what they have
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?