I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
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After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.