I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
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I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Breaking news:
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆