@daemonic3

I’m a:
?man
?woman
🔘cowboy

On a:
?skateboard
?carpet
🔘steel horse

I:
?shred
?fly
🔘ride

I’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive

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@jazz_inmypants

hey salt and vinegar chips people,

all chips have salt.

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@beefman138

PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.

ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.

@joerogan

There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.

@marccold

ME: whose dog are you

DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL

ME: whose cat are you

CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH

@Sean_Burgundy_

Just for once I wanna be able to say “It wasn’t my fault” without 4 people breaking down why it was my fault

@joshgondelman

Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.

@BrownBoxers

No cop can catch a kid on a 10 speed.

-every 80s movie with cops chasing kids on 10 speeds.

@squirrel74wkgn

Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*

[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*

[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*

[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …

@KateWhineHall

I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.

@BlindChow

WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right