I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
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Stop sending me this shit.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.