@WilliamAder

I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.

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@Cheeseboy22

Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.

@reallifemommy3

Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!

@sarah_ogun

Imma need the barbs, beyhive, k pop stan Twitter, navy, and retired 1D stans to join forces and rig this election. I know y’all can do it

@TheHyyyype

[getting high]

me: dude, NASA faked the moon landing

friend: wait, u mean-

me: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere

@Mr_Kapowski

[first date]

*don’t let her know you’re a huge Lionel Richie fan or that you’re Waldo*

Her: Hi!

“Hello, is it me you’re looking for?”

@deviledlegs

The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.

@lynnbixenspan

I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?

@internetluke

[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes