I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.

You Might Also Like


Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”


[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah


date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex


me: *yelling* avada kedavra


At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter


Today I have been sober for 100 days.

Not, like, in a row or anything. Just in total.


You wouldn’t believe me after reading my TL but my 1st language actually is English


Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him