@WilliamAder

I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.

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@alexlumaga

Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”

@david8hughes

[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah

@8bitbulbasaur

date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex

[later]

me: *yelling* avada kedavra

@ElgatoEsmio

At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter

@Cavspc

Today I have been sober for 100 days.

Not, like, in a row or anything. Just in total.

@JacknArisdad

You wouldn’t believe me after reading my TL but my 1st language actually is English

@notalogin

Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him