I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
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me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?