[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
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“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.