@enigmaticmess

I’m a big fan of wood. Mahogany. Cherry. Walnut. Morning.

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@OllyiConic

Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”

@Shen_the_Bird

date: i’m very level-headed

me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too

@UncleDuke1969

him: license and registration please
me: *hands them over*
him: *eats license and registration*
me: now wait a min-
him: *burps* insurance card please

@MaraWritesStuff

*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.

@4SLars

No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.

@Rollinintheseat

I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.

@kumailn

The two most horrific words on the internet are “Begin Slideshow.”

@ag_loco

Things I haven’t seen in a while:
1) the 2yo I’m babysitting today
2) a man
3) my waist-line
4) my imaginary goat, Bill
5) my sanity

@funnybeachgirl

If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.

“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”