Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
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I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Whatever you need to tell yourself, Amazon
Me: You know what cures a headache right?
Me: You know what else cures a headache?
Me: You know what else ……