@Gupton68

I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.

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@mack44_d

I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.

@YourYakiri

You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?

I’m like that, but with salad.

@NewDadNotes

[movie theater concessions]

Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.

Kids: POPCORN!

Wife: seriously!?!

Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.

@AimeeHelene1

Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?

@NewDadNotes

Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-

Wife: plant’s dead.

Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-

Wife: i’m pregnant.

Me: this is fine.

@ellle_em

Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKING

How Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS

@ValeeGrrl

Taught daughter to make toast & she already knows how to do boxed Mac n cheese so now she’s all caught up to my level of culinary prowess.

@Izianikapani

I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?