I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
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You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKING
How Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
Taught daughter to make toast & she already knows how to do boxed Mac n cheese so now she’s all caught up to my level of culinary prowess.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?