@Gupton68

I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.

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@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.

@robfee

I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.

@NicCageMatch

Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.

@bobvulfov

me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates

me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower

@Briidashian

Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.

@sofarrsogud

ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.

GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.

@danozzi

When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.

@_4kidscrazy

Me: You know what cures a headache right?
Wife: Tylenol
Me: You know what else cures a headache?
Wife: Advil
Me: You know what else ……