@somelightcrying

I’m a businessman so I tuck my shirt in. There’s a lot of money on the line so I need you to know that this is roughly where my legs start.

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@TylerLinkin

I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.

@WheelTod

Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.

@DomesticGoddss

I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.

@ladybroseph

Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.

@david8hughes

[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him

@nerdamage

Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?

@primawesome

Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.

@SamSykesSwears

“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”