I’m a businessman so I tuck my shirt in. There’s a lot of money on the line so I need you to know that this is roughly where my legs start.

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I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.


Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.


I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.


Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.


[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him


Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?


Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.


“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”