The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
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[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
If a snake ate a cake
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if