I’m a carb girl, born and bread

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[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”


I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another


My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home


Truth: My 85yr old grandmother’s answering machine says, “I’ll call you back when I want to, if I want to.”

Heroes are all around us.


When buying baked goods I always ask myself, “are you prepared to eat this in the parking lot?”


[watching TV]

“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”

Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*


I could understand Eve’s choice to doom all of humanity if she’d been offered nachos. But an apple? My ovaries are not amused.


I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?


“Why am I so thirsty?”

*Flashback to me eating half a ham*

“Oh, right”


“Some people call me the space cowboy”

*leans in*

“Some people call me the gangster of love”

BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup