@mel_pollen

I’m a carb girl, born and bread

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@david8hughes

[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”

@Lakelandr

I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another

@scot4bz

My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home

@HeyANow

Truth: My 85yr old grandmother’s answering machine says, “I’ll call you back when I want to, if I want to.”

Heroes are all around us.

@MarcyLane

When buying baked goods I always ask myself, “are you prepared to eat this in the parking lot?”

@squirrel74wkgn

[watching TV]

“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”

Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*

@lilgapeach32

I could understand Eve’s choice to doom all of humanity if she’d been offered nachos. But an apple? My ovaries are not amused.

@AnExocticBeach

I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?

@SardonicTart

“Why am I so thirsty?”

*Flashback to me eating half a ham*

“Oh, right”

@ArfMeasures

“Some people call me the space cowboy”

*leans in*

“Some people call me the gangster of love”

BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup