im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
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BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
United Steaks of America
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.