I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
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Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Human are so complicated
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Muppet Screams
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine