5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
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I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
sistine chapel
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?