My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
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Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Knock Knock
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?