…and now, a public service announcement from Keanu Reeves…
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
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ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
*wears one gryffindor and one slytherin sock to work to represent the internal human struggle between good and evil*
Me: my best friend is my wife
My Best Friend Carl: FOR THE LAST TIME, I AM NOT YOUR WIFE
I learn from the mistakes people make after taking my advice.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-