I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
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My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
the short answer to this question
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro