@cravin4

I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.

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@sixfootcandy

ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.

@trojansauce

*wears one gryffindor and one slytherin sock to work to represent the internal human struggle between good and evil*

@hazelmotes1

Me: my best friend is my wife

Everyone: awwww

My Best Friend Carl: FOR THE LAST TIME, I AM NOT YOUR WIFE

@attsmcjay

I learn from the mistakes people make after taking my advice.

@AlisonStine

(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)

Kid: You’re not a Dr!

Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?

Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.

@Quartzjixler

Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.

@matt___nelson

JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT

@sixfootcandy

[moving day]

Me: Here we go. Bye house.

Husband: You forgot the kids.

Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.

@mean_crow

hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-