@13spencer

“I’m a diamond in the rough.”

“That’s a whole lot of rough.”

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@HitsBelowBelt

You know that feeling you get when you meet someone and your heart skips a beat?

Ya, that’s arrhythmia. You can die from that.

@sixfootcandy

Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.

@HomeWithPeanut

My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.

This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.

@UnFitz

Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.

@ItsAndyRyan

“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”

@RickAaron

How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?

@iamspacegirl

And Grandmother, what big thighs you have!
*Wolf just starts crying*

@TheToddWilliams

ME: *playing the piano*

WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh

ME: Why thank you, honey

{three days later}

ME: Wait a second

@NoFlipFlops

Whoa. The house telephone thingy just rang. Couldn’t remember what to do so I stopped, dropped and rolled.