Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How I handle confrontation:

Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*

[sitting in van]

Robber 1: Ready?

Robber 2: Let’s do this!

Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?

my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy

Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.

harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard

dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you

harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-

dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows

harry: hell ya

dumbledore: one is your blankey

Watching women’s tennis and getting angry at the net. We shouldn’t put needless obstacles in the way of women.

My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.

If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.

[cat adoption agency]

Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*

Me: What the hell?

Counselor: You’re not ready

Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?

Me: Setting fire to the house?

Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are

A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…

When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”

Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?

Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.

Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.

Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”

Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot

My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”

What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower

The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…

Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?

son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?

dad: sure, I’ll join you.

son: should we watch them back to back?

dad: no side by side probably works better.

Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.

my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy

*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*

“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”

Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.

Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.

What did one ocean say to the other?

Nothing, it just waved.

Sea what I did there?

I’m shore you did.

Laugh, you son of a beach!

A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera

being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot

Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.

Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.