I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
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Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.